You must be kidding !
“Being parent means being patient”, I decided finally. There is a history to this wisdom and while it is still in the making, let me try and capture the story so far.
They say wisdom dawns only when mistakes are made and only after a person has traveled past the difficult phases of life. True. Or is it really? How many mistakes can one afford to make as a parent? And by the time one finishes with the mistakes and is all ready to be a good parent, will it be the time to be a grand parent? I will tell you the story of life as I know in at least one case.
We were living in the United States when our first daughter was born. We cleaned up the house the day before the c-section, got the carpet steam cleaned and all were ready and nervous. After all, we reasoned, when we can make the house sparkling clean for an important guest coming to the house, should we not do at least as much for the most important person coming into our lives? The house was clean, the birth bag was ready, new baby supplies that were enough to last a month were ready and we were ready too. Or so we thought.
Being ready for a baby is a myth. ‘Ready’ is not an end state when it comes to babies. It is a constantly changing state that demands a new you each time you have completed being a new you. So we remain constantly on our toes.
The new baby first challenges your existential instincts and readiness. She is so tender and sensitive that one cannot but be constantly worried about hurting her physically by careless handling or any distraction and so on. More so, if there is no support at home from an elderly relative. Holding, bathing, feeding, changing diapers and putting to sleep – each seems the toughest task in the world fraught with mortal danger. May be it is not but no one is any wiser.
As the baby grows up, the challenges grow too. Challenges to emotional instincts get added to the existential challenges. She looks at you and smiles. You smile back and she pees. Now what? One cannot help but jump from the realm of emotions and love, to the realm of existence and basic needs. So you switch off the feelings of tenderness to look for a cloth to clean the baby and self. And then the baby smiles again and you are hesitant to smile back. What if she does it again? The baby is relentless though. She smiles at you once again. You curse yourself for not reciprocating to most beautiful event of life. And then you smile. She pees again. The jumping between realms happens all over again.
The ‘smile & pee’ sequence might be a dramatization but the point is, the baby needs the parent to be emotionally responsive as she grows. At the same time she is not existentially independent. So along with profound feelings of love and emotion one needs to be ready for some follow up actions like wiping bottoms, cleaning mess and what not. You feel guilty when you are traveling and cannot be part of your baby’s days. You call home but she cannot speak .When she does make some primal sounds that indicate her eagerness upon hearing your voice, those primal sounds sink a dagger in your heart. “What am I doing making a presentation to people who do not give a damn if it were me or some one else standing here?”, you wonder. You decide to rush back at the earliest opportunity and so you do. When, with all eagerness, you reach home, the baby will be sleeping. You cannot help but wake her up and when you do, she cries. You are shocked. The baby is disturbed. Was all the eagerness of those primal sounds a trap, you wonder? You will never know.
The real test starts only later. Egoistic challenges get added to the existential and emotional challenges as the baby starts talking and making sense of the world around her. She is so close to the ground that she really redefines the term ‘grounded’. She watches the movement of ants on the floor most intently. She questions you as to why the ants are so small. You, an atheist all your life and some one who is considered very good at work(as per the latest appraisal), are lost for words. You take recourse in God finally and tell your baby that such is the creation of God. And then grabbing the opportunity, you tell her something more about life and food and flesh and blood and so on. You feel good that you were able to answer her questions even if your atheist ego took a hit. But then she comes back to ask why ants have no blood and how do they breathe? Do they have a nose? You look at her in shock and feel a sense of betrayal. Did I not help you in so many ways existentially and emotionally all these 2 years, you want to ask. Why beat my ego to death?
More questions will follow as the baby grows up. “Why do you need marks in exams?” “Why are you not giving money to a beggar if you really have it? Are you lying? Do you not have money? If you do not, why are you not begging too?” And so on and so forth. Every perception that your smart brain has built over the years is trashed. If you are not patient in the process, you will end up being rude to the baby. And if you are patient you will realize that you have not been ready at all. “I need to relearn my life’s lessons all over again” you decide. And as you patiently go through the process of relearning life’s lessons, you realize that you are more ready as a parent for the second one. Thanks to your first child. Or was she your parent really?
They say wisdom dawns only when mistakes are made and only after a person has traveled past the difficult phases of life. True. Or is it really? How many mistakes can one afford to make as a parent? And by the time one finishes with the mistakes and is all ready to be a good parent, will it be the time to be a grand parent? I will tell you the story of life as I know in at least one case.
We were living in the United States when our first daughter was born. We cleaned up the house the day before the c-section, got the carpet steam cleaned and all were ready and nervous. After all, we reasoned, when we can make the house sparkling clean for an important guest coming to the house, should we not do at least as much for the most important person coming into our lives? The house was clean, the birth bag was ready, new baby supplies that were enough to last a month were ready and we were ready too. Or so we thought.
Being ready for a baby is a myth. ‘Ready’ is not an end state when it comes to babies. It is a constantly changing state that demands a new you each time you have completed being a new you. So we remain constantly on our toes.
The new baby first challenges your existential instincts and readiness. She is so tender and sensitive that one cannot but be constantly worried about hurting her physically by careless handling or any distraction and so on. More so, if there is no support at home from an elderly relative. Holding, bathing, feeding, changing diapers and putting to sleep – each seems the toughest task in the world fraught with mortal danger. May be it is not but no one is any wiser.
As the baby grows up, the challenges grow too. Challenges to emotional instincts get added to the existential challenges. She looks at you and smiles. You smile back and she pees. Now what? One cannot help but jump from the realm of emotions and love, to the realm of existence and basic needs. So you switch off the feelings of tenderness to look for a cloth to clean the baby and self. And then the baby smiles again and you are hesitant to smile back. What if she does it again? The baby is relentless though. She smiles at you once again. You curse yourself for not reciprocating to most beautiful event of life. And then you smile. She pees again. The jumping between realms happens all over again.
The ‘smile & pee’ sequence might be a dramatization but the point is, the baby needs the parent to be emotionally responsive as she grows. At the same time she is not existentially independent. So along with profound feelings of love and emotion one needs to be ready for some follow up actions like wiping bottoms, cleaning mess and what not. You feel guilty when you are traveling and cannot be part of your baby’s days. You call home but she cannot speak .When she does make some primal sounds that indicate her eagerness upon hearing your voice, those primal sounds sink a dagger in your heart. “What am I doing making a presentation to people who do not give a damn if it were me or some one else standing here?”, you wonder. You decide to rush back at the earliest opportunity and so you do. When, with all eagerness, you reach home, the baby will be sleeping. You cannot help but wake her up and when you do, she cries. You are shocked. The baby is disturbed. Was all the eagerness of those primal sounds a trap, you wonder? You will never know.
The real test starts only later. Egoistic challenges get added to the existential and emotional challenges as the baby starts talking and making sense of the world around her. She is so close to the ground that she really redefines the term ‘grounded’. She watches the movement of ants on the floor most intently. She questions you as to why the ants are so small. You, an atheist all your life and some one who is considered very good at work(as per the latest appraisal), are lost for words. You take recourse in God finally and tell your baby that such is the creation of God. And then grabbing the opportunity, you tell her something more about life and food and flesh and blood and so on. You feel good that you were able to answer her questions even if your atheist ego took a hit. But then she comes back to ask why ants have no blood and how do they breathe? Do they have a nose? You look at her in shock and feel a sense of betrayal. Did I not help you in so many ways existentially and emotionally all these 2 years, you want to ask. Why beat my ego to death?
More questions will follow as the baby grows up. “Why do you need marks in exams?” “Why are you not giving money to a beggar if you really have it? Are you lying? Do you not have money? If you do not, why are you not begging too?” And so on and so forth. Every perception that your smart brain has built over the years is trashed. If you are not patient in the process, you will end up being rude to the baby. And if you are patient you will realize that you have not been ready at all. “I need to relearn my life’s lessons all over again” you decide. And as you patiently go through the process of relearning life’s lessons, you realize that you are more ready as a parent for the second one. Thanks to your first child. Or was she your parent really?
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